sarc.

I’m Ruth. A self deprecating 32 year old woman with the body of a hot 22 year old attached to my fridge for constant berating motivation. I have successfully competed and won medals in the sexual Olympics 4 times and my trophies range in ages from my 12 year old son to my 6 year old daughter who has been confirmed as containing 97% of my DNA just by the things that come out of her mouth. I call myself a writer, but I also called myself Saffron Morgan for a 3 week period in 6th grade so one cannot really assess how accurate that depiction might be. I scored a perfect 3600 on my EATS, which means I can gain a pound in a day if I put my mind to it which is a topic I discuss heavily on this platform. I’ve been featured on the Ellen show once, Re-tweeted by a dude in Las Vegas who said HAHAHA, and my picture is on the hostess stand of the local Mexican restaurant as a frequent customer who is no longer allowed to write checks. I love to run and have done so from all of my problems for the past 13 years and have managed to complete 3 half marathons and a whole one where I sneezed out a tampon and didn’t break my stride. This will be on my tombstone. I’m unemployed but I hold a bachelors degree in something I could have learned on YouTube and took out student loans to obtain for thousands of dollars off the internet. When I was 17 I was my most successful as a nursing student/Paramedic who drove an ambulance like the ones you typically see sitting in the Wendy’s and Taco Bell parking lots. After getting knocked up in a barracks room at the age of 18 I dropped out of college and have pretty much given up on everything except the Monopoly game at McDonalds. I’ve never been called pretty or successful but I do get called frequently by Bill Collectors and asked for information about my hot single friends. I’m fun at parties and my tolerance for vodka far exceeds my tolerance for people in general. I love shoes, Supernatural, Gingers, Music, Vodka, Happy Endings, (may you RIP) my kids, make up, running, stuff crust pizzas, cross fit (I cross my fingers every time I try to fit into my jeans) writing, laughing, it’s Britney Bitch, high heels that also double as weapons, and long walks from the parking lot to the inside of most restaurant and fast food establishments. I re-blog some, I write some, I post my filtered face some, my photography some, the ins and outs of being in a place without an In N Out, and occasionally quotes from some of the most noble men the world has ever known (characters from the aforementioned CW show, Supernatural). You might say I’m crazy, I might say you’re right, but chances are my music is too loud to give a fuck what you’re saying. If you vote for me I promise to have all the tampon machines turned into doobie dispensers and petition for individual alcohol bottles in the vending machines. Thank you.

The one thing I don’t now nor never will understand is people who are clearly in love with someone and don’t do everything in their power to make their deadliest catch lobster/crabs dreams come true.

Your person is out there.

By all fucking means, GO to them.

Unless you have kids and then you probably just have to continue on with your life until which time they reach puberty and loathe you regardless.

Plants and Animals

—Lightshow

iswearmusicwasinfinite:

PLANTS AND ANIMALS - LIGHTSHOW

What a disappointment, I though there’d be so much more
But all this talking is driving me insane
And I was told if I was to sing along
Forget about myself ‘cause we’re the same

Such a good song. 

For a person as big as I feel, I can totally relate to this. 
YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY SEE ME. 
Anyways totally watching The Lifeguard and then Wolf Creek 2. 
Doin’ me tonight. 
Not literally. 
Maybe literally. 

For a person as big as I feel, I can totally relate to this. 

YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY SEE ME. 

Anyways totally watching The Lifeguard and then Wolf Creek 2. 

Doin’ me tonight. 

Not literally. 

Maybe literally. 

(Source: the-painful-kiss)

Girls like us only know how to exist
when we’re wanted.

Girls like us are hardly ever wanted.

—Mary Lambert - “Body Love” (via bending-onward)

Sublime

—Caress Me Down

Mucho gusto, me llamo Bradley,
(glad to meet you my name is Bradley)
I’m hornier than Ron Jeremy,
and if you wanna get popped in your knee,
just wipe that look off your bati face

Guys, we’re gonna be in college soon. You know what there’s gonna be in college, right? Girls that used to be in high school.

1. It’s so weird how having a uterus can make you go from queen of the world to girl crying on a treadmill in less than 3 minutes. But I dealt with my shit and I only cried for a little bit. That time. The other 4 times we won’t talk about. Besides nobody messes with the fat girl crying on the weight stay device. It can’t be called a weight loss device when I’m using it. 

2. I saw Mormon Missionaries tonight at the gas station in my booty shorts and they never seem to say hi to me anymore probably because I look like I sleep with men for buckets of deep fried chicken which I totally would, but I still like seeing what the 19 year old boys of the LDS world are looking like these days. On that note I am really fuckin’ old. 

3. I think for my 14th wedding anniversary this weekend I’m going to get myself the same thing I got for my first one. Haha. Just kidding. I can’t get myself a 6 month old baby or pregnant. But I can get myself some Mexican food. Which is the same thing I threw up giving birth to my son. I guess looking pregnant my entire life was meant to be. 

4. I still remember where I was the moment I learned David Duchovny had entered rehab for sex addiction. Never before had being a sex counselor entered my mind. It did then. 

5. I used to have a gigantic crush on my cousin when I lived with my grandma in West Virginia during my Freshman year of high school. I never acted on it obviously, but when I did accept the Starter Jacket of a guy on the football team to wear around the school, my mom informed me I needed to give it back because he was my cousin too. The hills have eyes and even lower IQ’s. 

6. I only ever had one party at my house in high school. My parents were gone for the week and left me home alone and I was such a nooby little freak that when people got there I told them they had to leave the beer and pot outside because I didn’t want it getting in the area where I did my praying. As you can imagine nobody stayed for my “party.”

Any more confessions and I’m going to lose my street cred.

A PSA of truth

feliciousity:

It is not complimentary to tell someone that you admire their style, beauty and confidence if you end it with “even though you’re bigger”.

Seconded. 

In all honesty

I have 2 options.

I can sit here and cry or I can get my ass up and head to the new crossfit gym where they’re offering a free week to add members to their cult.

Obviously I’m going to cry for 45 more minutes and then head to my regular gym where they have excellent cooperate structure and they GIVE me the tools to be my own boss.

Die in a fire.

Besos.

Yours truly in sarcasm.

Nighthawk.

well today can go fuck itself.

Good morning.And just in case I don’t see you.Good afternoon Good eveningAnd Goodnight

Good morning.

And just in case I don’t see you.
Good afternoon
Good evening
And Goodnight

(Source: shit-inmyhead)

v0tum:

You’re over someone when you stop looking at their social media accounts.

Yep. 

(via jaycosmicpower)